One of my favourite things about counselling is the serendipity of working through a problem or difficulty with someone only to discover there is a big lesson in there for me – a lesson that teases me out of hypocrisy and forces me to practice what I preach.

One such lesson followed on from an input from Andy on the “responsibility pie”. I was working with a client at the time who was extremely resilient but had taken on more responsibility than she could manage, her wellbeing depending on her ability to make sure everyone in her life was okay.

Rules for living and core beliefs

We talked through what she could take responsibility for in her current situation. We explored how much control she really does have in any situation and the impact of other people (and their free will and choices), of the situation and of the choices that we make (some of which are unconscious). We objectively thought about her choices and how they were impacted by her conditioning (her rules for living and core beliefs) and considered that she did not always make her choices consciously and never with bad intentions. In this way she found relief from guilt and shame and from her own expectations of herself.

The love of pie

She really identified with the responsibility pie, as an analogy and we took it to the n^th degree. We discussed how much she loves pie, how much she keeps for herself – not sharing with others. This sense of being “greedy” flipped her situation on its head, it became juxtaposed with her rescuer / helper sensibilities and helped generate a discussion about empowering others by withholding our need to take responsibility.

This lesson, given to me by Andy and my speaker is helping me to share pie – to empower others and to empower myself – keeping any need for validation safely out of my practice. A client’s difficulty became a positive learning experience for the client and an opportunity for me to engage in true reflective practice, providing us both with a catalyst for growth.

Share that pie

So basically – don’t eat all the pies, sharing pie is good for everyone, but eating all the pie is okay as long as we learn from it. This is permission for us to feel less guilty and create space to be what we are inspired to do.

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The ACT Counselling Services Team are looking forward to the delivery of another 1-day ‘Introduction to the Theory and Practise of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)’ short course in the coming week. This is a very popular course with workers from various helping professions nowadays being asked to have a basic understanding of what CBT is and to be able to integrate some of the techniques into the roles that they undertake with their service users. Furthermore, the course is very popular with Counsellors/Psychotherapists from different modalities who wish to add CBT techniques to their practice.

What the course offers…

The course offers participants some profound personal insights as the theory and techniques belonging to CBT are turned on the self throughout the 1 day. This is mostly down to the evincing of beliefs, rules, values and attitudes from the unconscious mind into awareness. The necessity for this is to uncover self-defeating patterns of thinking and behaviours. Every Human Being in this world today is locked in this vicious and often self-destructive cycle. Once participants become aware of their own issues then they can often link the beliefs, rules etc back to their genesis which is often early childhood.

By course participants shining the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy lamp on themselves, we find that they begin to have a tremendous amount of faith in the approach which augurs well for working with other people.

At ACT Counselling Services we are passionate about the above. We believe that the vast majority of people are only living what a client once described as ‘half a life.’ This needn’t be the case. Too much time is spent ruminating or berating oneself over the past or spending time worrying about a future that probably won’t happen. This drags us away from our lives today and in a way switches us into autopilot.

As Fritz Perls said back in 1950:

‘I find it fascinating that whilst in cybernetics they are trying to make robots like people and in everyday life people are trying to make themselves like robots. What are we doing?’

He also said more shockingly:

‘Too much time spent ruminating over the past or worrying about the future means you are dead already.’

Get in touch today to book your place:

Don’t let the above be you or the people you work with. Get in touch today with ACT Counselling and CBT Services and start living. You can call us on 0141 554 0838 or email us via our online contact form here. Alternatively, you can download our online application form here and post it to us.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

Furthermore, if you are looking for therapists who offer Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for a range of mental health issues you can read more about it on this page. We offer therapy at Act Counselling and CBT Services and are happy to speak with you today should you wish to find out more and book in with one of our therapists. Get in touch with us today via our online contact form or call us on 0141 554 0838.

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The ACT Team are fresh from delivering another 1-day ‘Introduction to the Theory and Practice of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy’ course. As we have come to expect, the participants were a pleasure to work with and the time passed by so quickly.

The course requires participants to examine their own childhood experiences and the resulting self-defeating behavioural patterns. The participants were quick to identify these and also quick to realise that it is not necessarily about completely changing the rules that drive the self-defeating behaviours but just altering, adjusting or updating the rule.

Rules for Living

So what do we mean by ‘rules.’ What we mean is ‘Rules for Living.’ A rule for living is the behavioural adjustment that a child makes in order to cope with negative messages that they have internalised about themselves as a result of experiences in the family, classroom or playground. Some examples are outlined below:

Examples of rules:

• If I put other people’s needs before my own then they won’t reject me
• If I worry and expect the worst then I’ll be prepared when it happens
• If I am perfect then I’ll be considered good enough.
• If I keep in control then I’ll cope
• If I keep my emotions to myself then I’ll be seen as strong
• If I hit out then it keeps the aggressors at bay.
• If I keep my opinions to myself then I won’t be humiliated
• If I don’t try then I won’t fail
• If I don’t expect too much of myself then neither will others
• If I avoid intimate relationships then I won’t get hurt
   

So why not change them?

These are only some examples as there are probably hundreds or thousands of different rules and variations unique to each individual.
So if they are self-defeating then why not change them. Well, the thing with rules is that they can also make us good at what we do. Furthermore, they also shape the contact that we have with other people as we arrange ourselves in certain ways in order to fit together. So really it is about keeping the parts that work and changing the parts that don’t.

So the person who puts others needs before their own still cares for and helps others but also looks after themself. The perfectionist still has high standards but maybe reduces them by 20% and reduces the time and attention that goes into maintaining them.

Why are they self-defeating?

Why are they self-defeating we hear some of you ask. Well, the perfectionist will never be perfect, the person who self-sacrifices too much will be treated like a doormat by some others and essentially rejected, the worrier will never prepare for all unexpected outcomes and therefore never trusts themself. Again, these are just some examples. The old rules are familiar, habitual, comfortable and hard-wired in the brain. Even though they cause problems, they lie in the unconscious and they are ingrained. In order to alter rules, a person must be able to tolerate a certain degree of discomfort. Rules are like predictions and therefore new predictions must be generated, tested and evaluated. 

To anticipate and predict

Human beings have an enormous amount of information to process on a daily basis through the senses and belief systems. If every experience was treated as a brand new experience or situation then life would be unbearable. We, therefore, learn to anticipate and predict. These anticipations and predictions are carried in the unconscious mind and enable us to live the majority of our lives on autopilot. Examples of unconscious daily predictions are:

• If I stand on the floor then it will take my weight
• If I push the handle then the door will open
• If I smile at someone then they will smile back
• If I turn the key in the ignition then the car will start

What would or do we do if the predictions outlined above do not work? We have to think in order to generate new ones:

• If I stand only on the beams then I’ll be supported
• If I kick the door down then it will open
• If I smile at most people then they will smile back
• If I phone the AA then they will help me

Therapy and rules

Anything familiar about the structure of the above? Yes indeed, the same structure and exact same concept as ‘Rules for Living.’ We are of the opinion that the vast majority of people referring themselves for therapy, it is because their rules/predictions are either not working, causing too many problems, too exhausting or they have collapsed altogether. So therapy is that time of constructive revision, where the therapist and client collaboratively work together to generate new ones.

The points we want to make

All Posts

The first point that we want to make is that if the client could have done this for themself then they would not be in therapy. The next point is the importance of a prediction, either positive or negative lying behind any behavioural experimentation. We are probably leaning mostly towards the CBT approach here; it is a scientific approach that sets experiments. An experiment must be testing something, this leads to lasting, enduring and elegant change.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

If you are looking for therapists who offer Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for a range of mental health issues you can read more about it on this page. We offer therapy at Act Counselling and CBT Services and are happy to speak with you today should you wish to find out more and book in with one of our therapists. Get in touch with us today via our online contact form or call us on 0141 554 0838.

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Whilst thinking about the shaping of the personality during childhood in our last blog, it occurred to me that it would be a disservice not to reflect on the connection between force-feeding infants and the internalisation of beliefs, rules and values and how this affects our children and mental health. Many of these will, of course, be crucial in developing the child as a family member and a social human being. They will fit well with the child’s temperament and personality and will serve them well throughout their life. What about the ones that don’t fit and cause the developing person endless psychological distress (varying levels).

Choo choo…

So let’s think for a moment of the infant in the high chair who is confronted by the caregiver with mush on a plastic spoon that they do not like the taste of. They have tried it before and they do not like it. The usual physical defence mechanisms will kick in such as batting any attempts to put it in their mouth away, keeping the mouth shut until the mush ends up all over their face, bib, clothes, the floor etc. Then the caregiver decides to become creative and attempts to trick the child into believing that the plastic spoon with mush on it is actually a plane or a train etc, as if… The little one, however, ain’t for having it and any mush that does enter its mouth is immediately ejaculated by spitting.

You will eat it…

The caregiver, however, is resolute. There is only going to be one outcome here ‘because I am the adult, I know what is good for you, and if you don’t do what I say then you won’t survive.’ The child’s last line of defence is to swallow the mush whole as it is not the texture or consistency of the mush that they dislike but the taste. This, of course, will inevitably cause indigestion.

These are the rules…

However, it is not just food that we are force-fed when we sit around the table. Infants are also forced to swallow whole, without question or trial, the family beliefs, rules and value systems for the very same reasons as food is force-fed. ‘We are the adults, we have been out in that world longer than you, we know what is best and if you want to be part of this group……these are the rules (some examples):’

In this family…………..

• ‘We put others needs before our own, we don’t confront others’
• ‘We never say no’
• ‘We worry about things and always expect the worst’
• ‘We don’t settle for second best’
• ‘We don’t try too hard and don’t get ideas above our station’
• ‘We don’t display or talk about emotions’

Etc, etc, etc

Anxiety is born

If these internalised rules do not fit with the infants developing personality then they will go onto cause self-defeating life patterns and the tension will cause psychological heartburn in the form of anxiety. Just like the food, the infant did not have the choice to reject them and could not chew them over to decide if they liked the taste.

Rules, beliefs and therapy

It is these internalised rules and beliefs that bring people into therapy. Therapy is a process of dissemination where the rules, beliefs and values that fit with the client are celebrated and kept. The ones that do not fit are examined and altered. Not necessarily vomited up completely.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

If you are looking for therapists who offer Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for a range of mental health issues you can read more about it on this page. We offer therapy at Act Counselling and CBT Services and are happy to speak with you today should you wish to find out more and book in with one of our therapists. Get in touch with us today via our online contact form or call us on 0141 554 0838.

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The ACT Team have an up and coming CPD event on 20/02/16 titled ‘Gestalt — a way of living’ looking at Gestalt Psychotherapy. Whilst preparing the course materials we cannot help but remember the insight and power connected with this approach and its ability to help us as human beings make sense of our lives. With this in mind, let’s reflect on the connection between a family’s attitude to vomiting and the syntonic (in harmony) and dystonic (impaired) personality.

How did your family deal with vomit?

How did your family deal with the vomit? When you were young (before the age of 7) and you felt a bit unwell and were taken by surprise by a surge of vomit, what did your family members do? As you vomited all over the front room carpet, what did they do? Was your vomiting a family affair, did your siblings/cousins etc get to watch and make comment? Did Mum, Dad or significant caregivers tell you not to mind the mess, just get all that nasty stuff up? Did they hold and comfort you?

Were you reassured?

Perhaps your vomiting was dealt with differently. Did the significant caregivers reassure you, guide you to the toilet, spend a little bit of time with you and then leave. They might have come back to check on you at regular intervals. The last option the family or significant caregivers might have had was to quickly grab you when the vomit began, rush you to the toilet, sit you in front of the loo and quickly close the door. The last words you might have heard were to make your way to your bedroom once all vomiting had ceased at which point a bucket would be delivered to you and food parcels thereafter until all the messy stuff was gone.

How this links to life’s problems

However, the vomit was dealt with is probably how you now deal with life’s problems (the messy stuff). If the vomiting was shared, then you will share life’s problems with those close to you. If you were, supported and reassured to an extent then you probably share problems or the messy stuff in life to a certain extent but not the whole story. If your vomiting was a solitary affair conducted in isolation, then this is probably how you deal with life’s problems. The messages we hear and the rules we learn in childhood shape who we are today.

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Psychoeducational process

We travel the UK meeting CBT Tutors, Practitioners and Supervisors who still report frustrations in implementing a coherent Psychoeducational process that teaches others how to elegantly identify and challenge unhelpful thinking styles and come up with alternative balanced thoughts.
Indeed, we still hear the language of ‘changing negative thinking to positive thinking.’ We would suggest that this language is firstly disrespectful to the Human Condition. We subscribe to the theory that we have evolved to scan for more threat as a safety mechanism and by goodness, this ‘negative thinking’ will have worked at some point, otherwise, we as Human Beings would not be doing it.

The Stone Age Family

Our readers may have already heard the story about the Stone Age family who did not have a care in the world until the first member was snatched by a sabre-toothed tiger. Wonder how carefree they were the next time they turned their back to fill the water pouch, turned an unexplored corner or indeed ventured out the cave. Would they be engaging in ‘negative thinking?’

The ACT Counselling Services approach

At ACT Counselling Services we have designed our own Psychoeducation process that can help identify, clarify and evaluate unhelpful thoughts, with a view to generating some alternative balanced and helpful thoughts. It begins with a ‘State’ and it ends with ‘Although.’ There are of course a few stages in between. By engaging in any of the Services offered on the ACT Counselling Services website (Therapy, Supervision, Diploma, Short Courses) you will discover this fascinating process for yourself.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

If you are looking for therapists who offer Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for a range of mental health issues you can read more about it on this page. We offer therapy at Act Counselling and CBT Services and are happy to speak with you today should you wish to find out more and book in with one of our therapists. Get in touch with us today via our online contact form or call us on 0141 554 0838.

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